I actu­ally meant to have the next install­ment of Des­ig­na­palooza ready for today, but sadly it’s a big post, and I just did not have time to finish it. Throw in the fact that my friends father passed away, and a sour mood swing, and that spells “bad work ethic”. Oh and I guess you could also put a bit of blame on my rein­stalling Diablo 2 (I don’t know why I did it) and play­ing the next install­ment of Phoenix Wright. Mostly it’s just been the sour mood, brought about by noth­ing I can figure.

It’s been a while since I’ve done a per­sonal post, and for the first time ever, I can’t even think of what to say. Usu­ally I am burst­ing with witty remarks and enough sass for two, but alas, I just don’t have it in me today.

I guess I’m in a sub­dued mood for having gone to Dan’s father’s view­ing. I’m not an expert with deal­ing with departed rel­a­tives, and so I’m hardly an expert on what to during these sit­u­a­tions. I can say a couple things on it though, and if you’re still read­ing this, I’ll assume you will indulge me in my speak­ing of them.

There is noth­ing, and I mean noth­ing, more heart-​breaking then lis­ten­ing to a woman truly sob over the loss of her spouse.

Noth­ing comes close. I half-​pride myself on my abil­ity to dis­con­nect myself emo­tion­ally from sit­u­a­tions when the need arises. Believe me when I say it comes in handy, regard­less of how much of a mon­ster you may thing it makes me. Seeing Dans’s mother today taught me some­thing though, and as a result I was nearly in tears myself.

As useful as my skill is, there is a time and a place for it. It felt wrong to turn myself off from seeing this womans grief. Utterly wrong. I think this proves that I’m still human, because though I cannot know how deep her pain must go… I was nearly moved to tears just watch­ing her. There was love in one of its purest forms, red­den­ing her eyes and run­ning her nose. It was won­der­ful and heart-​wrenching to wit­ness. I can’t even do her jus­tice with my writ­ing abil­ity. Some things just aren’t that simple. She loved him, simple as that.

Even the strongest of people need help.

I’ve noted over my friends strug­gle through his fathers ill­ness and even­tual pass­ing. He was the stone amongst the family. He was the one that drove every­one around, made arrange­ments. He was there at the drop of a hat while every­one would break­down, have a scream-​fest, or oth­er­wise be … imma­ture. I hope to the powers that be that they know just how hard that was for him. Some­how I doubt it, and he wouldn’t expect them to notice because he doesn’t feel it’s required. I rec­og­nize it though, and I pray that when I am thrust into that posi­tion, I can handle it half as well as he has. It hurt me deeply to see how much strain this put on him but I also know that he wouldn’t have asked anyone else to take the burden, and that makes me proud to be his friend.

I don’t have a point for the next one that I can artic­u­late prop­erly, and so I will simply quote:

“After this I’m going to go home with my parents… I guess I can’t even say that now… … I’ll go home with my mother and get her sorted.”

I cannot explain how sad Dan was, right at the real­iza­tion of saying par­ents. You could see the pain in his eyes, and how much it hurt him to have to inter­nally adjust the whole thought process. It’s the most emo­tion I have ever seen from him, which may paint him in a bad light, but I don’t mean to. He is a man that con­trols his emo­tions, and even though he didn’t break down crying right there… you could tell that a part of him wanted to. It’s hard as a friend to have to sit there know­ing that there isn’t any­thing more that you can do.

And believe me, you always want to do more in that situation.

Do not get retired, near-​blind, stut­ter­ing priests to do the Rosary sermon.

I don’t really need to explain this too hard. The priest - bless him (heheh) - was a nice enough fellow. He was also 90% blind, and stut­tered. He also hopped around like a budgie in a cage. It helped lighten the mood some­what, well at least for me it did. I’m sure there’s some sin for that.

Wow, this post ended up being a real downer. Ah well, I don’t care. I can be self-​indulgent sometimes.

Good­bye Stan­ley Kukwa. I hon­estly wish I could have gotten to know you better, but I will say that you’ve raised some damned fine kids, and had a good family. You will be eter­nally missed.

Some­one came from the dark over from the stars.
Pro­tect­ing my heart from crying.
Taken back by sur­prise my trav­eler returned.
What went wrong? Why did he change?

Voices (Eng­lish ver­sion) - Macross Plus