Beowulf (2007)
November 30, 2007
Beowulf is the newest adaptation do the epic poem of yore. It’s rather liberal with its interpretation, and as near as I can tell, also adds new and unrelated sections to the plot.
I tried to watch this movie, and take it seriously. Honestly I did, and I am sorry to everyone who was around me who was also trying to watch the movie seriously. I didn’t mean to laugh at it so much, I really didn’t! But when a man is naked for over half of the film, has questionable (at best) dialog, and so much over the top fighting that a Die Hard fan would squeel with joy… well it’s just too much for me to try and take seriously. For Christ’s sake, he was naked for an entire portion of the movie! He is some how impervious to cliff walls, has the most un-interesting voice actor I’ve heard in a long time. The start of the movie honestly had me thinking that Shrek was going to burst through the door at any moment and let one rip.
The big problem with this movie is that it was made up to be epic. I’m talking 300-esque epic. I was expecting 2 hours of retarded amounts of fighting, screaming, and sword-swinging. What I got were two sub-par fight scenes, a wretched storyline to tie them together, and some of the most 1-dimensional characters I have ever witnessed. Beowulf could have been cut down to about 15 minutes. 10 if you took out all the story and talking, and just went straight to the fighting. It would have basically been the following:
- Monster busts in and throws down. People run away.
- Beowulf enters from the other side of the room. Epic choir music with a solid fighting drum beat
- Beowulf: *SCREAM*
- Monster: *SCREAM*
- Beowulf: *SCREAM*
- Monster: *SCREAM*
- Something explodes, possibly the mead cauldron.
- Beowulf: *SCREAM*
- Monster: *SCREAM*
- Slow motion of a single drop of water falling from the roof and hitting the ground between the two
- 6 minutes of fighting ensues here, complete with back-flips, wall runs, 4 story-tall leaps, and enough sound effects to make an audiophile cream.
- Beowulf: *SCREAM*
- Monster: *SCREAM*
- Beowulf: *SCREAM*
- Monster: *SCREAM*
- Beowulf: “I am Ripper… Tearer… Slasher… Gouger. I am the Teeth in the Darkness, the Talons in the Night. Mine is Strength… and Lust… and Power! I AM BEOWULF!”
- Monster: *SCREAM*
- Beowulf chops off the arm of the monster
- More explosions as the music climaxes.
- Beowulf: *SCREAM*
- Fade to black and end with a lone violin.
Now repeat that with a dragon, and you’re done. Simple. No useless junk to screw it up.
To the movies credit, the animation was fairly impressive and from what I’m told the 3D version of it is amazingly well done. I think they spent a little too much time making the water look real, and not enough on the people in it, but that’s my personal opinion. It was also neat to see that they mapped all of the voice-actors faces and grafted them into their CG counterparts. It was an interesting experiment that I think they pulled off rather well. I can see this becoming more and more common in the coming years.
Watch it in 3D for the value added, or watch it with a lot of alcohol in your system. Avoid it otherwise.
3/10
Categories: Movie Reviews
Tagged under: 2007, 3/10, Beowulf, movie, Movie Reviews, Reviews